im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
This dress was meant to end up on your floor
dude facebook disabled my account because im registered under a false identity. now in order to get it back, i have to prove that it's really my name. i sent them an email and had to sign it "Cordially, Lloyd Pancakes"
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
Are you pooping in the stall next to me?
Maybe....
Cause I just heard a fart and it sounded like one of your farts.
What do you mean you don't pregame your bikini waxes?
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
Hey wes just called me saying he was asleep outside by the pond at my apt complex
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
I'm mailing you cans of corn and that's final.
I rammed pretzels and Jell-O shots down the throats of those I loved.
Never joke about your clitoris.
Even after hearing me fuck his friend twice in one night, he still follows me around like a puppy.
Randomize
