I never want to see another naked old woman again.
All I know is it had something to do with a plunger and tuna salad. I'm done. I'm quitting my job.
Woke up and went out for a cigarette and it was dead quiet. It was like the world just knew how many mistakes were made last night.
My booty call got married. Come over before I start tagging all the places my dick has been in her wedding photos.
Can I sell my birth control in a yard sale?
Just started taking liver support pills. Welcome to Senior year.
You kept trying to use my cat as a napkin.
So, were they human bite marks at least?
Your guess is as good as mine.
You were naked too, so it cancels out. We're straight.
She said she forgot something.. and when she came out she was carrying a garden gnome, and a bottle of vodka. she was too hot to question it.
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
Let's hurry up so I can puke at home instead of my van
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
The thing about online classes is the prof can't tell this mug is full of beer.
Why the fuck is Ian Naked eating string cheese in my guest bedroom?
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