Yeah unless I can find some idiot to make love to
I'm pretty sure that he just gave me the ginger disease
Dude, it's gettin so bad even my fantasies just wanna be friends.
Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
i told him i was sober and he walked away immediately.
she was trying to use her iTranslate app while we were having sex.
I wish men found my impeccable aim when spitting into the sink attractive.
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
I AM EATING BACON AND CHEESE. FUCK THE BULLSHIT.
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
I'm not asking for life coaching, I'm just asking if you know where I left my underpants.
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
Just looked at my bank statement. 9 out of 10 transactions on the first page were from 9 different bars. The 10th was for birth control pills at the pharmacy. I need to rethink my lifestyle.
My theme for the night was drink diego drink! Unfortunately Dora was not there to navigate me to the bathroom
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