ok plan lets look hot and dance like whores.
anal on a first date. tsk tsk.
so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
all i seem to do anymore is lay around stoned, naked and eating mangoes
Hooking up with one of the deadbeat dads from Teen Mom does not qualify as banging a celebrity.
I'm gonna have to fantasize about her dying just to get off.
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
Got laid in my rudolph onesie for the second year in a row. New tradition? Absolutely.
So, in keeping with the last two years, are we going to watch the new Hobbit movie on acid again? It's kinda starting to feel like a Christmas tradition.
Successfully defrauded the county government. What have you done today?
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
She grinded so hard on my face that I've got rugburn on both eyelids
Spent like 2 minutes so far learning and 35 minutes in a group chat talking about big asses. Yet another Wed zoom meeting.
Randomize
