you really should stop posting my phone number on craigslist as tranny seeking tranny, last night i answered at family dinner and almost choked on my hot dog
do you not see the irony in that??
just broke no shave november. hello backed up drain december.
He passed out on the patio with nothing on but his boxers. So we put our beer caps on him. Yeah he woke up with a polka dot sunburn.
One fish gets drugged and suddenly I'm labeled a bad pet owner. This is so unfair.
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
It's a good cause. For your vagina.
i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
Not only does DQ have s'mores shakes, sonic has a hot dog in a pretzel bun, and Wendy's has a burger in a pretzel bun. Important things are happening.
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
I was doing karaoke to "baby got back" and apologizing for being white at the same time.
I finally figured out how to tighten my bra straps and I feel like a god
If I take one more surprise finger up the ass this week there will be hell to pay.
I'd just like to take a moment now to apologize sincerely for getting drunk and making an as of myself at your Christmas party next week. I'm especially sorry for sleeping with your baby sister.
The guy at the liqiour store just said "Wow haven't seen you in awhile, is everything okay?"
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