Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
just got my girl scout cookies. wanna get high?
I walk in to see her roommate half naked on their stripper pole. I knew I was home.
I don't understand but I fell asleep naked holding a tub of cool whip and a boiled egg
Get this. Chipped my front tooth taking a sip of a gay mans beer out of my cleavage. Fuck my fucking life. that'll be fun to explain to my dentist
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
It's just good to know that when I drink like a twenty year old I still act like one.
Romney sounds like a middle school girl and that creepy ass smile makes me want to close my blinds
You poured your drink on him and called him a "useless cocksucker" because he wouldn't give you a ride home... on his skateboard
I had a dream he was standing in front of me naked and flexing while yelling VICTORY and gizzing all over the floor.
Why aren't you two playing Dora the explorer with each other's genitals yet?
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
I just want somebody to fondle my boobs while I read fanfiction. Is that too much to ask?
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
so i may or may not have just had sex on the stage of the lecture hall....
Randomize
