Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
I kept petting the scarves and telling customers to "feel that shit"
Stop drinking at work.
TO ALL WHO WERE IN MY HOUSE LAST NIGHT: WHOEVER STOLE MY BONG AND PUT IT ON THE ROOF WILL BE PAYING MY HOSPITAL BILL FROM LAST NIGHT.. AND BUYING ME A NEW, SWEETER BONG.
Pregaming before going to drink with a girl from Russia. Please make sure I'm not dead in the morning.
you are never too drunk for berry picking
Do u like your dick pics shot in hotdog or hamburger orientation?
How do you ask the man who gives you multiple orgasms if he has friends who could do the same for your friend?
I walked in and saw her crying and singing to her dog
I feel slightly un-patriotic right now... I just got cock blocked by the Air Force!
I'm 4,715,723% sure I don't give a fuck.
How many weight watcher activity points do you think sex is worth?
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