The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
can we take a shower together?
no need for the romantic shit. I'm a sure thing
our drinking schedule never changed, we just drank at work.
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
I'm really proud of myself for not blacking out yet this weekend!
It's a Thursday.
Not only is he in the circus, the man survived a near death experience and has an accent. She might as well have found a unicorn. This shit just doesn't happen in real life. Where did she meet this magical creature?
Girl behind me in line at cvs was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan b soon she might be a mom abd that if we couldn't tell she'd be a terrible mom
So do you want to hear how I got the hickey first, or how I got the black eye?
But it's ok cause then I turned my tequila blanket into a tequila comforter and I felt no pain
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
Youre having a picnic
Yeah but all we have is vodka, so it's getting a bit out of hand.
Is it bad I have to get shitty ass drunk on a Monday night because I can't adult?
I am so horny that I an legitimately concerned for your safety when I see you tonight.
And he kept lifting up his shirt every few minutes to check if his nipples were still there
Tanner. All u drink. 10 bckaa. Locked in Porto potty outside. Constructed area. Main strrrreeeett. Fuck. Help. Pleese
Randomize
