I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
my girlfriend just informed me I need to get tested and so do you
girlfriend?
He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying
oh but the power of the cock will take you to places you never been..i flew to hawaii once to sleep witha chick
Just ordered a clown who does balloon animals. No backing out now.
you kept telling us that in dog beers you only had one
I'm now drinking beer through a straw. By order of the bartender.
You realize we were screaming in the car about our apartment next year because we can "bring home randoms whenever we want" and "stare at each other from our door ways"
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
Awk. Hanging with her while messaging her ex about sex injuries he gave me
Tinder recommend to a friend: making threesomes easier since 2016
after we got done having sex, you rolled over and ask what your yelp review was. So yea I'm kinda mad.
Kids music just accidentally came on at this party. I didn't know how many stoners were here until they all sang along.
Sitting beside a stoned cat on the kitchen floor eating cheesecake with my hands...just a struggle
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