I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
Facebook is used to stalk your friends, Twitter is used to stalk celebritie=s, and Myspace is used to stalk underaged girls. Everything else is porn. T=he Internet in a nutshell.
my affection for youporn is starting to get disturbing... i just thought about sending them a christmas card
Definitely just saw a grown man at wal mart wearing high heels and carrying a baby
What the fuck were you doing at wal mart?
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
She just took off her shirt and jumped in the kiddie pool. We're not leaving.
Your dad needs a mid life crisis affair thing, I could totally be that girl.
The gay bar tender told me I looked like Prince William. And that I needed my balls licked.
I don't know how I'm gonna do that tomorrow. I feel like I was hit by the motorhome. LOL I WAS.
So my birthday was awesome. Only remember 45 min of it but I woke up with a girl on the couch and a half bowl of ground beef
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
Hey Kellie. Me putting. My face intebetaeen ut your boobs made my night
Shit on my own feet while puking from my hangover. Is this what 33 is supposed to be like?
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
So woke up naked and found my clothes from last night in my kitchen with a half eaten quesadilla
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