there's paper in my vomit.
i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
Practice the "sorry I may have given you herpes" conversation with me before I call him and break the news
i have a new found respect for you. the amount of people you must have cockblocked last night is amazing
She gave me a blow job and her mom gave me blueberry muffin afterwards. I love them.
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
You totally drew a penis wizard on my closet that says "I travel for cock rock"
I will never swim in a flooded basement again..
I have got to stop getting laid on my lunch breaks. I AM SO HUNGRY RIGHT NOW.
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
I was ready to fuck him until he pulled the "I might be bi curious" card. Now its turned into a guilt fuck. It's like he's a 3rd world child in need of a sexual orientation.
Weve literally been going out drinking five days a week. That counts as a full time job right?
This reminds me of the time you were crying and puking in the toilet at that party while i did shots of tequila in between blow drying your feet. miss you!
I'm getting reacquainted with drunk me. She has grown up a lot.
HILY FUCK HES HERE I HAVE MONISTAT IN ME HE SUPRISED ME
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