I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
Ok so serious question: if one wanted to say the plural of mongoose, would it be mongooses or mongeese?
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
And then the cop told me my court date was on 4/20. I said come onn u really gunna do me like that
The liquor store wont accept checks from us anymore.
Hes trying to fuck me on a bear rug. Not saying no.
I wish him all the best and hope one day he can afford the surgery to remove his head from his ass
The picture that pops up when I call her phone is a picture of my nipple. Just so you're forewarned.
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
We found him flat on his back, sobbing, 'fuck you stars' at the sky. No more everclear for Derek.
The night got interesting when the random guy next to us handed us a bottle of champagne and the rest of his ciroc bottle. When we asked why he did it, he proceeded to point at his friend who face planted the floor.
This snow needs to melt so I can get wasted on someones front lawn
I think the reason she hasn't text me back is because I spanked her ass with Hulk Hands
I need to stop challenging people to taking off clothes. I win too often
If I ever drink whiskey again make sure I don't eat the plastic cups that I'm drinking them from.
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