Dude I just witnessed a midget touching himself and singing the chorus to somebodys watching me by michael jackson... it kinda turned me on
i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
She put her phone in her underwear and it somehow managed to work it's way into her vagina. she has a BLACKBERRY.
Somehow she slept thru the vacuuming, people walking in and out, and the sound of constant beer bottles hitting the trash, but when someone said weed in a regular volume of voice she startled awake.
My vagina senses are tingling. I know your here.
best friends dont let best friends get an STD of the eyeball just saying
I've come to the conclusion that the dicks in Arizona just don't have enough size for me.
Im invoking the "no judgements" clause of our friendship.
My god, what have you done?
The sweaty, naked apartment dance party wasn't complete until I threw the whole jar of glitter on us. It was like the icing.
I went out to have a smoke, and next thing I know, he's got me bent over a picnic table praying to deities I don't believe in. You should have been there.
I hooked up with a guy named Quan.. I literally hit the Quan
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
Let me call you later. I’m lining up some office dick now that working at home is ending
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