life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
ashley and jimmy are about to have sex on degrassi.... EVERYONES GETTING LAID BUT ME
I wanted to google "huge banana" but I'm pretty sure all I'd get is dick pictures.
Still at the library. i hate tax accounting so much that i've started calling it potions...
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
Apparently I promised a worker at La Siesta free English lessons to make up for vomming all over the little Mariachi band.
When you get here, kick me in the balls. It's really important. - I'll explain later.
Dude, seduce him with cookies. You almost turned me gay with scones. Don't be surprised when they get you laid.
My philosophy professor just told the class that he is suspicious of dolphins. The stoner in front of me totally gets it. I need to start getting high for this class.
I am seriously only coming over if there are McNuggets. I want 10 bitch. Honey mustard.
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
I'm taking a shower and i'm gonna bring my pocketknife with me
Omg no hes gotta go down on me. Then itll be like my vagina has kissed the stanley cup.
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
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