I see lights
Your drunk and in times square. Time to take the 2 train home.
turns out they were just sand fleas, not crabs.. thank you random mexican girl from padre who's name i can't pronounce
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
this is a mass text to all the people i smoke weed with. I have Mono, so if we've shared a bong/pipe. sorry man.
trying to line up a DD for St Pats Day. i guarantee i will put out. or puke and pass out. really its 50/50 at this point.
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
I dont even remember coming home... All my stuff is strewn randomly around my apartment... And I woke up at 5 sitting propped up in my bed with just my arm in a shirt
you asked my brother if you could eat the cupcake that you found. you were showing him a baked potato
I keep confusing the name of her and her dog. Both are appropriate.
I had a dream about masturbating with toys I can't afford.
My sex life and finances are equally in shambles.
I call it a party but only because that sounds better than 8 people getting drunk around a pool.
I took so my adderall all I can do is lie on my floor and stare too hard at my hedgehog. He has 42 spines in the dark spot on his shoulder btw.
I've entered the world of uncircumcised penises. It's disgusting.
We'll handle his penis the same way we handle day drinking; together.
Randomize
