No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
I just accidently deleted 60 gigs of porn from my external hard drive. Thats over 300 pornos! I think im gonna cry.
Im surprised that you are even able to text me right now.
I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
He fucked my earring out of my ear. Of course he's coming over again.
you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
He was fucking her while he was wiping my tears.
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
There is only one good excuse for how sore I am right now. And that is incredibly acrobatic sex. Unfortunately for me that is not my excuse.
I'm currently making some changes in my life. If you don't hear from me anymore, then you're probably one of them. Or I'm dead.
Dude, you chugged an entire bottle of tomato sauce and got us free drinks for the night. No way was I gonna stop you.
Not that you went to little darlings at 3am. But that you checked in on Facebook. C'mon bro. You're better than that.
I left my pipe in my center console with a bowl packed when I took my car to the shop, and when I picked it up the weed had been smoked, but my oil change was only half price.
On the plus side, I know I'm allergic to latex now. Like really fucking allergic
I'm 22 and I'm drinking hawaiian punch from a sippy cup. Everything is right in the world.