I'm someone's dream girl. I'm hungover in this guy's bed wearing ONLY a Brian Westbrook jersey. Not the same I was on a date with last night.
Did Kevin really put his bar tab under the name Hercules last night?
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
So in Aca Taco on grad night 1am, this bitch walks in alone drunk as fuck in her gown to the front of the line and says, "I graduated today...thank YOU"
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Just applied for assistance with paying my hospital bill from my alcohol poisoning at age 16 while still a little drunk from last night. What is my life.
Circle of life?
She asked if she should pack the condoms, I told her I plan on drinking so much that it won't be possible.
You was so high that you insisted that you heard someone whistle, then you insisted they was trapped in the wall!
she came into my car to rip lines with our blow dealer as I was writing my essay on anti drug policy, i call it on site research
All I've done is masturbate and drink while being home from college.
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I'm not snubbing your weed I just had a really important rack of ribs to get home to
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
We decided it was a good idea to go streaking through the campus. Everything was fine until the sprinklers turned on and we realized the keys were in his pocket.
Its safe now. But... Nobody should sleep on my bed tonight.
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