Its already bleeding so dont be alarmed after you bite it
It was weird to see you drinking wine out a glass instead of a red cup today
The guy I was getting with last night took off his purity ring mid-sex and threw it across the room.
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
today is monday, i feel like we should do something illegal
my bedside table was not meant to hold this many beer bottles.
The cops just showed up and arrested her. It's our 2nd date. Do I have to hang out her with her 3 kids until she makes bail or can I leave?
Can we make a sex game out of monopoly somehow?
I wasn't that drunk, I know my limits. When peeing became difficult I stopped taking shots.
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
I mean, that's eating your cake and fucking it too.
I woke up in my tom cruise outfit with my house key tied to my thong....
Ok because I want to set a new world record for how fast I can drink away my Christmas money
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
just found a picture from last night.
the one of you riding a horse with nothing but a bulletproof vest on?
uhm.... no?...
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