I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
I just saw fred flintstone in my fruity pebbles!
what drugs are you on?
none, cept for the pain medication i got prescribed by the doc: it said 2 pills every 3 hours, but I took 6 cuz i'll be away from home later
passed a homeless guy with a sign that read "420 vetran" we gave him a bowl of bud
You should know that Team Beyonce's Vagina dominated in pong last night
Under no circumstances is it ok to do naked cartwheels in front of anyone. i don't care how much ecstasy you took
and i'm going to kill you for what you did to my nipples last night. of course i want to hang out
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
look on the scale of 1 to the time you hit an old lady with your car chlamydia barely even rates
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
he really is such a sweet guy. it’s a shame i have to break his heart.
he's so sweet and its so cute. but I swear to fuck if I let my guard down and this was all a lie I am going to become a serial killer.
I'm kinda sad I'm leaving the bank. I never got to have rough sex in the vault.
He totally fucked me in his Chewbacca socks
Oh well, he'll live. He has a hand and a penis.
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