half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
I feel like Tiger Woods should send Jesse James a gift basket or something...
Church boner. Awkwardddd
whoever threw up in my shampooo bottle is totally getting defriended on facebook.
i tried to stop you. you just kept saying your split ends needed punishment.
nothing says new school year like ambulances and police road blocks.
Rolling one last joint on my Psych textbook before trading it in. I might actually cry.
The fact that he is from Canada is way more embarrassing than the fact that you met him on match.com
Soooo how am i supposed to explain to my mom that i was admitted to the hospital but you kidnapped me within 20 minutes?
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
Are you considering all the consequences of doing your boss or are you just rationalizing with your vagina?
Using Michelob Ultra as champagne.
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
So I bought that bathing suit yesterday and got buyers remorse so I returned it today and then stole it. Win win.
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
Okay I’ll say it... THIS MOVIE FUCKS
That’s probably the first time I've heard Little Women described that way and I love it
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