Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
you have no idea how wierd it is to get nudes while talking to grandma
i dont understand blimps. what would happen if they collided would they just bounce off or fall to the ground.
dude how high are you right now?
do you think jeeves would know? you do it. ask jeeves.
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
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On the bright side, I hit her with the door on the way in
When I told her that her boyfriend was making out with another chick, all she said was "which one"
i'm gonna start fucking more girls with asthma. help feed my ego.
Oh I already celebrated valentine's day. I stayed up until 4 AM listening to biggie, drinking rum, and caressing all my girl curves in front of the mirror. And then I came 3 times.
It was insane. I was drunk for 11 consecutive hours. I woke up covered in almonds and there were footprints all over my shirt
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and then we all passionately sang "what if god was one of us" until everyone passed out in the grass
I'm pleased to know that your mom refers to me as "the ass piliager" now
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
Self reach around competition is what the Olympics has been missing all along. A true test of athleticism.
So my balls are accidently making an appearance on snapchat
I need an outfit that says "thanks for hiring me" but also says "i want dick in my mouth".
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