I think I won the penis lottery.
I wish I loved anything like you love Tequila.
I just saw what sperm look like swimming around. I'm not happy with what you've put in my stomach.
i must of done something right to please the booty call gods. . . maybe fucking that fat chick?
We should reintroduce naked Mondays
My mom got me high and then dropped me off at a church.
I've abandoned trying to find a logical explanation of your life.
All i remember is you yelling at a stop sign and the rest is a blur
Fucking that physical therapist guy was the best decision I ever made.
you got in a fight with your imaginary friend last night when he didn't catch you after a surprise trust fall
I was chasing disarono with Bacardi and watching ice cube movies. It would have been an epic birthday if I wasn't by myself and actually had some decent friends.. Hint. Asshole.
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
Whoever decided to put a Denny's that close to the strip club is a genius.
Do you remember whose house we're in?
You sat on me. Like I was a toilet. While I was on the toilet. You peed a little.
on a campus of 30,000 people, i should not be able to see every single guy I've ever hooked up with at one party.
Randomize
