I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
When we were fucking i started barking and growling at her.. you shoulda seen her face
No, we just ended up walking around in his pool high and singing songs by The Wiggles.
all the douches that like ed hardy are the same douches that were obsessed with lisa frank
it feels like theres a golf ball between my legs. the sex was totally worth it tho.
she wrote "SORRY" in her vomit and left
making your facebook status TEQUILA is like basically saying "im easy tonight. feel free to take advantage"
She said she couldn't sleep with a guy who had blood stains on his ceiling. I tried to explain it wasn't my blood, but she still left :(
I swear, he has the body awareness of an acid-tripping quadriplegic.
Also what is the name of Americas thing where we had a holy obligation to expand westward? I'm going name my new lighter that.
You installed a beer holder in the shower?! You're the best roommate ever!
... That's a shower caddy.
I believe this is a toe-mate-toe vs. toe-maut-toe situation.
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
I texted him in the morning wishing him a day as spectacular as his dick was.
I want to buy weed from this guy on Tinder but I'm not sure I should trust him...but it's free delivery
It's difficult to focus on bonds when you know your classmate peed in your mouth
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