he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS
You told me that you only walk into walls because it makes the room stop spinning.
I thanked her dad for "firing off a good one" when she was conceived. She said thats why he doesnt like me.
I invented the best game. It's called "what touched my exposed nutsack?" It can range from pillows to toothbrushes
Guess who used an inflatable mattress to boat across a retention pond with brooms for oars and a radio and beer.
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
Just turned your apartment into a democracy and were voting on who takes shots next
We haven't been trashed enough to shut down a bar together in four days. I'm starting to worry that we're growing apart.
Forced to cancel my booty call due to the snowpocalypse. This crosses the line.
I need vodka mixed w a bit of holy water right now
If there's anything my liberal arts education has taught me, it's belligerence.
No. There is no way we have to stoop so low as to ask your dad for weed. There has to be an alternative.
WE HAVE TO LEAVE. I HAVE HAD SEX WITH WAY TOO MANY PEOPLE IN THIS BUS STATION.
Randomize
