you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
no, i dont want the owner to like me bc i dedazzled my vagina
i just used google streetview to figure out where i spent the night last night
the guy that filmed erin andrews naked got 27 months in jail. Every man that's seen it should send him cigs and a nail file baked in a cake. We owe it to him.
He told me his mother taught him that move. What the hell do I say to that?
I had sex with her because I didn't want to hurt her feelings.. You're the one who told me I should be more sensitive.
It's alright she couldn't hear you. Her legs were over her ears
You fell asleep with your fingers in my vagina. You made this a relationship.
You're really doing everyone a disservice by wearing pants all the time.
She has puke on the back of her shirt not quite sure how the hell she did that
Hey do you know who I showed my dick to at the bar last night?
She started telling me about this odd patch of smooth skin under her boobs. Not sure if she was hitting on me or looking for free advise from a doctor...
I mean, I still played with her tits for like 20min tho.
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
I mean, the night I fell out of that bus I made you pour vodka onto my wound to clean it, then duct taped a paper towel to my hand and kept drinking.
QUICK FAX ME THE BALL
Not how faxing works at all btw
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