Dont touch anything! You just got rid of your crabs!
she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
I wish I had a dollar for every time I've slept off a late night I dont want to remember in my recliner.
there's something wrong with the internet when a search for "barney the dinosaur violence" comes up with nothing
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
tailgaiting my last final, a perfect sendoff.
He painted his chest for the game... I just fucked an exclamation point.
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
Dammit labor day drinking cancelled due to 3 inch long table saw cut to palm
Literally just one second of unclenched butt hole away from shitting my pants.
In the ER with Chelz, I may have broken her ankle during sex. Lovely.
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
I didn't want sex last night, but she charmed my dick out of my pants like a snake charmer.
He surprised me with a puppy tail butt plug in his ass and wants me to fuck him
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