I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
He's a fan of Alicia Keys on Facebook. It doesn't NEED to say 'interested in men'.
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
I definitely managed to work the word "aforementioned" into the conversation.. At least I'm an intelligent sexter.
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
PS: I just woke up from my shower
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
I woke up with my panties in the cat food dish, and everything covered in honey and bruises.
My dad just told me I can't passout in the driveway after the 4th of July parade this year, again
Signs of a stoner: trying everything in your fridge topped with peanut butter to seek satisfaction.
Two really nice girls helped clean the taco out of my hair.
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
If all that ever happens between us is orgasms and dank memes, I think I'd be okay with that.
i just watched a 27 minute video about owls...that high.
were you aware we were supposed to be taking care of her hamster this weekend?
Randomize
