Too late, the blunt's already in my cleavage
when did my "fat clothes" just become my clothes...diet starts tomorrow
It just hit me that I woke up to you in a bear suit. Explain.
I don't care. I'm going to fuck John's friend and it's all your fault.
My broken door handle makes it really inconvient for when i need to puke at red lights.
I'm stranded in the Hampton area. Looks like I'm going to have to take one for the team and pass out by this applebees.
Were you paying girls to come up and grab my cock and tell me I look like bradley Cooper?
I fell asleep on the bus and woke up in Italian Las Vegas. Europe was a successful continent for me.
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
i was so high i thought the horse on my poster was running
I'm doing running of the bulls tomorrow at 7am...except in New Orleans roller derby girls chase you.
I know it's just really hard to give up sex and cigs during a blizzard
COCAINE AND SUSPENSFUL BBC SHOWS DO NOT WORK.
So you were shitfaced and stole a fucking kayak?
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
Randomize