I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
remind me next year to leave the 19 year old girl at home when you're going to pride. total cock block
She is going down in cock block history. He went in to kiss me and she threw her hand between our faces and yelled "DENIED!"
i talked to you about this last night, and you kept saying "he wants yo pusssaayyyyyy"
Let's paint friendship bongs
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
It's like all my brain cells are screaming at me.
I'm dying.
She told me she gets scared easily and that I had to protect her. Then I made a condom joke that ended up making her cry... All bad dude
Accidentally hit on the same girl twice at the bar, she give me her number both times though so I think its cool.
also, i am in no position to judge as my life choices today went along the lines of "YAY VODKA". for breakfast.
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
Wait I'm all alone with a guy and his turtle
Can we just get drunk and watch the Birdcage please I have no tolerance for straight men today
He said he would get me a helmet and bedazzle it with my name and address so the cabs would know where to take me
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
Randomize
