Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
Well I woke up with spatula marks on my ass and burns on my hands.
Worst bachelorette party. She got smashed and cried because she thinks she might have herpes from when she cheated on him. Not looking good for them.
It was like stroking your vagina with a cloud.
Just found a note from Saturday that says "rainy soft hair".... Any ideas?
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
There is booty call etiquette, and he just isn't following it. I'm not making you breakfast, gtfo.
U thinks that's bad? He told me that he had to envision high school wrestling in order to bust a nut with some girl
I was on antibiotics for a bladder infection and couldn't drink and you told me there was no longer room in your life for me.
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
i think i just lost a toe
She meowed at me. Repeatedly. Then she asked what was wrong with me because I didn't understand her.
You kept singing "your gonna lose that girl" to him right in front of her.. of course you got punched in the face.
You kept saying “keke” over and over so I slapped you then you proceeded to ask if I loved you. In case you’re wondering why you have a black eye - Lauren
Randomize
