Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
what do you mean I googled how to give an awesome blow job?
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
Its piss that you smell... I borrowed that shirt last week. Sooo, wanna grab some laundry soap on your way home? And good luck on your date.
She told me I had to leave by four. We fucked until six thirty and we are the champions played on the way home. Yeah god knew
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
I prob couldn't even get his attention if I had a dick growing out of my forehead
He pulled his pants down and said blow me, while passing out on my bed. I then pulled his pants up as he continuously started moaning in the background.
I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day
Eh. They balance each other out
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
Someone the age of your son tried to go home with me from the bar last night
He wrote me a Haiku titled, "Let me touch your butt".
I feel like I should remember what we did after leaving the party because apparently a llama was involved, but all I can manage is the part where I asked you to cuff my ankle to the bed so I wouldn't backflip away.
In all the years we have had drunk sex, have we ever done it in a bed?
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