If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
that speech was about as successful as her performance in twilight
As of tonight I have officially had sex during every Disney movie.
im pretty sure thats the first step to being a pedafile
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
The only word I understood in that whole setence was semen.
life is no where near the amusement park it was when I was on Vicodin.
Same here... Well I was planning on having some sort of deep conversation, but looking at how grim of an outlook tomorrow has on you, I'll just re-inform you that I have your pants.
No idea how he made them, but vodka water balloons were a horrible idea.
Can one of you do me a favor? Light a match and throw it into my room. Bc I'm certain I would rather be burned to death than live in this hell I call my life
Both of us came out of our rooms at the same time in boxers and sat on the couch. No words were spoken.
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
Masterbating to Tolstoy. You?
I just destroyed that poor boy. Picked him up and put him wherever I wanted, it was like the Pride version of Elf on a Shelf.
Gotta love college... Pregamed for my 8:30 flight home this morning and gave the flight attendants all high fives when I got on the plane. Best ride of my life.
eating a weed cupcake with nutella on top at work. i AM a star!
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