i have a bunch of little boys around me trying to hit on me
dont be selfish, show some boob
i dunno what you eat but your cum is all over my underwear and it smells like pretzels
Some mysterious chinese delivery man dropped off 2 free egg rolls. Clutch
You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet."
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
This is where you say "Why yes we will drink with reckless abandon and hopefully not be in a church parking lot again."
Finding that toy duck there was weird right?
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
I STILL HAVE A HARD TIME DECIDING WHAT TO WEAR IN THE MORNING HOW WOULD IT BE POSSIBLE FOR ME TO PICK A PAIR OF PANTS AND GO OH ILL JUST WEAR THESE FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE
Just participated in the saddest thing: Cheetos. Handjob. I have lost at life
Locals got pissed I was talking to the barmaid. Tried to tell me that they keep all the good beer at "a Soho walkup" Google saved me
I told her I had a small penis. Then replied if Peter Pan won with a dagger then so can I
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
She wants to have a threesome with Taylor Swift. I think this is the kind of love my grandparents spoke of.
We fucked on the roof... like that has to mean something
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