Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
Try and take me seriously and don't look directly at my hair or the jizz on my pants.
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
He's asking if he can send a dick pic. How do I politely decline that?
You have a roommate and cry when you see my dick
And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
Want a slice of this weekend's hottest piece of ass?
God loves me. So high, craving Jimmy Johns chips, looked down, unopened bag in front of me. Still doesn't feel real
Just saw a couple do like 5 Sakai bombs and my dad goes "who says love is dead"
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
At some point, you're going to have to talk to a tree and do what it says
Let's just wait to see what happens before we start making radical plans and starting fires
The longer the dick, the closer to Jesus when you’re on top.
Randomize
