come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
What's the point of being healthy if people still don't want to fuck you?
well if I unknowingly shoved my hand up someones ass, I'm glad it was yours
andd if someone unknowingly shoved their hand up my ass without me knowing, im glad it was you
I think that the winner of this years fantasy football league should get naming rights to you child
This is your typical drubkba Amy test. Shout out to jisus for auto correct
His fucking was so lame I considered painting my nails during...
Apparently I told the girl smoking was terrible for her, and then requested it in my mouth.
I can't feel my tongue. And that means go. Green means go. And you know what Barney says. Green means go and woah means no. DRIIIIINKK
New rule. Every time you and I have a disagreement that lasts longer than 10min, while in a bar, we'll have a shot. Figure we'll eventually start agreeing sooner rather than later...
You were throwing cups at people in the basement, yelling at them to get out of your swamp.
I used an explanation of Walking Marriages in the Mosuo Culture to successfully negotiate an open relationship. That Anthropology degree is finally starting to pay off.
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
You were staring right at you dick at the urinals, then looked at all the other guys dicks and fist pumped saying "I win!"
I did what i always do when i miss him; masturbate and watch Bridges of Madison County.
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
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