I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
he borrowed my computer and saw his name in my recent google searches. Things got awkward real fast.
how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
Crazy how fast a room full of drunk teenagers sober up when someone breaks his parents' new flat screen
I miss you more than I would miss junk food if I went on a diet. And you've seen me eat, you know how desperate I'd be.
How many of my tattoos need to be visible for an outfit to be considered "see-through"?
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
I don't want sex or anything I just really need someone to appreciate how shiny my hair is
Apparently I pulled that girl's number while I was trying to insist my drivers license had enough money on it to cover the tab.
My date ended with her leaving the bar with that guy who used to jerk off in the back of the school bus.
I've got a surprise in the fridge when you get back.
Is it a puppy?
I got fucked in a bat mobile this morning. Being slutty rules.
Can you confirm that you aren't dead?
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