i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
ah. the first shower back home is like a baptism from the sins of the past year
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
We should probably avoid doing this again, but hey it was a nice one time thing to tell the grandkids about... Hopefully they don't end up being YOUR grandkids.
It was beyond pathetic. You yelled her name at every blonde chick we saw hoping it would be her. Then you puked your corn dog
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
Yo if you blacked out last night, careful going through your purse. There's cocaine in a lollipop wrapper.
Sorry about the whole your mom seeing my face up your ass situation
I sat on my couch last night watching What Women Want, eating ice cream, and sobbing "why doesn't she like me?" Why was I born a man?
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
I threw up vodka and borscht. I'm done with life...I threw this up in a McDonald's bathroom btw.
She took me into the bathroom and force fed me a panini, it was pretty good.
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
Let's just say that I took off my pants and I had superman boxers on. Then she took off her pants and she had batman panties on. I think she's the one!
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