sometimes i shoot so far i amaze even myself.
Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
That's why girls suck all the time. Blah blah nag nag drama drama buy me things but I won't touch your penis
the pub in dfw airport has a countdown timer to st. pattys day, to the second, i like texas
Take your time, they're doing body shots off the dog.
Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
I'm Still in a robe trying to piece together 3-7am I'll be there in a few
We ran out of ice cubes so I used ice cream. Everyone thought that was the plan all along. I just went with it.
heres the thing, we have 120 cans of beer left in the fridge. until thats finished we cant fit food in the fridge
Me and this 7 year old almost finished a large pizza. And when I say me and this 7 year old I really mean me.
I was about to take him home and fuck his brains out but then the police came and arrested him for the stolen credit card he had been buying me drinks with all night...
I have to have sex on a bidet. I'm not sure what kind, but it's reason #4 for an Italian vacation!
Closed my eyes in the shower and got really dizzy. Not sure if neurological or result of 4 day vodka binge. Send help.
Crying on the toilet and taking a shit. This is what being an adult is about
I managed all three standard threesome configurations a female-bodied person can achieve in just under nine years. I want to high-five everyone involved, but I've lost touch with a couple of them
Randomize
