Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
we're microwaving frozen margaritas its not the same without u
I woke up on a raft in a bath tub filled with beer. excellent night.
Replacing day drinking with a real job was the worst decision I've ever made.
I told him we couldn't hang out because I had strep, he said he's had it once so he couldn't get it again. The sex isn't worth this level of stupidity
I got my project done and a booty call in all before 1am. I'm a professional college kid.
Sometimes familiar penis is best. Its like comfort food for your vagina.
I really hope the fuck ferry pays me a visit to close out 2011 properly.
obviously he wasnt ready for this jelly and you can quote me on that
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
I can't thank you enough for the well-timed blowjob. What a huge improvement in my outlook on the day.
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
Ok despite the fact that both you and I love dick we could have a great marriage
Never play truth or dare with a girl who carries a dildo in her purse. I'll never go to a Denny's again.
I just realized I'm not wearing clothes. I think my pants may be in the kitchen but I have no idea where my shirt is. I'm kinda worried.
Randomize
