I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
I could give you a full detailed description of 75% of the penises in that room
tagging him in all 73 close-ups of your cleavage might have been a little obvious.
Received world's greatest BJ while in a planetarium. Was seeing stars while seeing stars.
Theres a guy in your room wearing a franzi box costume and some girl is in the box giving him head.
What are you wearing tonight?
The colors of the winddddddd
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
Cockoligist
Yes, one may refer to me as that.
I should make business cards.
If I don't go to Australia I'm using that towards a new car. If I do I'll use it to buy a koala.
You don't understand!!! BACON ROSES!!! Why are you not more excited?!
He literally took a shit in my bathroom and then broke up with me.
Smoking a bowl in nothing but a flamingo thong.
roommates are droppin acid, i really should stop them from staring directly at the light bulb, but their giggles are so enchanting.
You told everybody that you were a dragon and then projectile vomited all over the kitchen.
Listen, you eat the donut. I eat you out. Everybody wins.
Randomize
