My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
Is it weird that out of everything, Im most worried about chipping a tooth on his prince albert?
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
I was very proud of myself that day. I had an awesome time. I don't care if I negatively impacted others.
You stuck your entire fist into a full jar of peanut butter and starting assaulting people
Today's forecast is horny with strong chance of booty calls. Low of Craigslist cruising, and a high of climaxing in a stranger's bed.
This is simple. Just sex and high fives. No feelings.
Obama's speech on in 9 mins. Me in the shower now. Naked. Make your choice.
I'm bringing the tv in with me.
I wish I'd realized he looked like Skrillex before I was already in the middle of fucking him...
Do you think if 10 year old us knew that we would be passing out in a McDonalds after a hefty night of drinking, and 23 McChickens, they'd change anything?
A dry HJ only, please. I don't deserve the comforts of lube after my horrendous fantasy football performance
You just put lesbians and Hogwarts in the same sentence. Of course I'm in.
It's three am. I'm drunk in a stairwell in Vegas. My flight leaves at six. Help.
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Randomize
