I assume you are not resopnding because you are having sex thus i give you a text message high five
A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
I didn't think it was possible but there may actually be TOO MANY pictures of me tagged shotgunning.
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
Those mornings you wake up with a Barbie tramp stamp are the mornings that are the that are going to make me miss this place
LOOK AT MY HAIR, DOES THIS LOOK LIKE THE HAIR OF A PERSON WHO HAS HER LIFE TOGETHER?
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
You've gotta make sure the carpets match the drapes, though.
I am not dying my bush blue.
Have I showed you the picture of my vagina with a little bang flag coming out of it?
HE JUST ALLUDED TO FUCKING MY FRESH LOAF OF BREAD
He's got the good dick trifecta - flip phone, works outside, bed with no headboard.
Just had a flashback of scottish man yellin' at my face. What the fuck I did?
I came so hard my entire leg seized. Her blowjob gave me a Charlie horse.
why does every cop we meet know your name?
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