i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
i just used burnetts to get spraypaint off the floor of my dorm lobby
Ill bet we could have atleast fucked a girl who fucked a guy who has fucked tara reid. That's a famous circle right?
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
He kept surfacing with a delighted look on his face, guessing different types of food to try to figure out what makes my pussy taste so good.
Sorry for feeding you peanuts last night while you were sleeping, you looked hungry.
If I had really thought it through, I would have bought some Depends, popped one on and made this night my bitch.
Well am going to a strip club before sun down, I dont think anything good can come from that.
If it makes you feel any better about life I'm wearing yoga pants with granny panties and toms with socks cause fuck my life
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
So the bar crawl I'm on is a "90s bar crawl" and I made the joke about a few overweight girls that "lack of concern for your weight is so 90s" it did not end well
This drink tastes like mosquito repellent.
Why are you barefoot at a strip club?
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
After drinking all day I popped an adderal, slammed three beers in a row, apparently told the bartender "thanks bitch" then ran on stage.
Randomize
