She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
It was like a lincoln log. Seriously. I don't know who's more pissed, me or my vagina...worst.hookup.ever.
Just hooked up on shake weight girl's dad's porsche. What are YOU doing with your life?
Reason 37 booty call break ups suck: I literally could not find his house in the daytime.
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
Lmfao I'm not trying to have a pissing contest over acid with my mom.....
My aunt comes over, haven't seen her in 4 years. First thing, looks me up and down and goes "...yup, that pair ripened nicely. Theyll get you some free drinks"
I think you were raised by the wrong sister
I can get stoned and we can bake and then I can eat 70% of it and it will be awesome
Do you know how many guys' fantasies I've been told I'm a part of lately?!
Just 2. But still.
He called yelling about whhhhhhiskey and enchiladas I heard sirens in the background last time I talked to him b
Naked and Afraid: Hangover edition
The dysfunction is strong in this one.
That was the best shit ever it was like an exorcism for my colon
Dude, he came to our house with a beer can in his hand dressed up in a chicken suit screaming, "free eggs!" then threw up and passed out in the front yard.
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
Randomize
