the bus pole looks like a man who feels guiltyty about something
I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
He woke up in the ambulance thinking he was still in the club.
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
I walked into the bathroom of the hotel and she's in the bath tub with a guy she met a day ago. They were sharing a shrimp cocktail platter and shot gunning bud lights. Oh and it was noon.
SORRY BITCH CAN'T, TAKING SHOTS TO WHITNEY HOUSTON.
mhmm. we know where to go, which places have free bathrooms, how long you can be in one until its sketchy, we have this down to a science. we're like the college sophomore pregaming dream team
The only thing I remember from last night is being naked in his bed if that's not summer drinking at it's finest then I don't wanna live anymore
turns out it took a Belgian couchsurfer dressed as Heisenberg to rock my world.
honestly dont worry about it, its not the first time ive injured myself on a potted cactus during sexual relations with a woman
It's not stalking if you do it on LinkedIn...
We walked 3 miles to the strip club. Stopped for roadies, it wasn't that bad.
oh what is to come when my single life starts with a threesome?
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