there is this woman at the counter who looks identical to linda ellerbee. and she's grinning. COME. INSIDE. NOW.
So can I buy you a drink sometime?
Sure, but make it a double, I'm drinking for two these days.
You took shots of captn out of a empty percocet bottle, i just saw you fall threw the floor of rock bottom.
I keep having to talk dad out of putting tequila in the milkshakes.
I mean we've tried to get high on nutmeg, we clearly dont know the definition of "too far"
right before he passed out he said "take care of your tender spirit"
Who was that guy I met at your brother's house who had to get stitches in his ass?
Idk tell her to wear something sluttty. I have that one skirt I got arrested in if she wants to borrow?
He was sucking my nipples then stopped, looked me dead in the eyes and said "im gonna cum for my babygirl"
We were in the middle of fucking and she was just like "Do ya wanna play Harry Potter Scene It?" I musta been really bad lol Anyways, her tattoo healed nicely.
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
And I'm glad you're waiting to invite him over. he may have a weird penis thing and then dinner becomes awkward.
My doctor actually said I was suffering from an "acute hangover" in doctor's note I asked him for....what a douche
You were sitting in a chair and you said "I just feel like a little fishy, floooooating through the ocean, so pretty"
Not gonna lie, Wednesday was the perfect day to get laid off, all I've done since is watch the Simpsons marathon
Randomize
