Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
We started making out, then he decided to get naked, put on a condom, and proceed to dry hump my leg, sweat pants and all, until he blew his load. I thought this was college. I immediatly left claiming I can't sleep in other people's rooms. He didn't even bother taking off my hoodie.
I'm drinking away my Christmas cash. People are going to get bar receipts as presents.
He offered me a 30 pack if I don't bring her to the party. Am I a bad friend If I take his offer?
how many americans can say they have been laid before eating their first big mac?
No. I didn't know. I thought mid afternoon shots meant the day could only get better.
She was puking in a plastic bag while cleaning where she puked on the floor. She knows how to multitask.
I was riding her and she yelled "fuck me" then someone in the room next door yelled "you don't have to say it if youre doing it."
im so proud of her that she got shit faced finally. This must be what it feels like to see you kids get their diploma or some shit.
I just had to take my laptop away from him because he was on Amazon and had 20 Seahawks garden gnomes in his cart.
You puked on yourself, then demanded to take shower. In which you kept saying "its raining"
Well yeah. Plus. My dick looks awful. So I would need to do some extreme makeover dick edition before even starting something so ridiculous.
I can't sleep. Send Llama pictures.
Can you explain the Transformers set up for battle in my living room?
Of course he did! You’ve seen my tits, you know he didn’t stand a chance!
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