Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
She told me a very interesting story, complete with pantomimes, about how she got a habanero seed in her vag
I found out he doesn't have a facebook, twitter, or myspace. So, I'm going to actually go to his house to spy on him.
just walked out of chelsea's house and saw cameron slapping his dick against her car. cant even make this shit up if i tried.
Our teacher totally just got outed in class by a speaker from some lesbian cooperative house
My mom just told me to drench my entire body in vodka for 20 minutes. I have never been this russian. no one has ever been this russian
the snow is so cold on my vagina.
why do you have snow on your vagina?
vodka and heels.
So, do you know where my left shoe is? I mean, we were at a few places last night, and I called them. No luck for me.
He told him to "throw up in my mouth like I'm a baby bird."
Sorry I forced you to take an adderall at 1am and then proceeded to dance to Lose Yourself outside of Qdoba.
St Patricks day needs to be raged like youve never raged before. Like youre in the desert and it starts raining beer. Like it's the day the announced the 21st amendment (which is the one that ended prohibition)
If I get to the point of singing Man of Constant Sorrow then please god let me do it, record it, then cut me off.
Jager makes that raccoon appear... The one that shits in a basket in my living room.
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
Get over here asap there are three naked girls two bottles of whiskey and only one of me
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