who the fuck tagged pancake nipples on my profile picture?
im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
Can you come over to my place and make up for the crap you called sex yesterday?
Good morning to you
Apparently we had sex last night, and then I made him drive me to the beach so I could puke in the ocean.
She was either really drunk or really not interested. Everytime I tried to ask her about herself she would respond with a line from Stepbrothers.
I'm thinking we can stop tracking my sex life by the hotels I've hooked up in and instead use bar bathrooms I've gotten head in.
she's sitting alone using her breathalyzer as a kazoo. help.
thats the coolest thing thats happened to my vagina since i dated that guy from portugal.
Did you ask me to bring you a t-shirt to class or did I just dream that?
No, I did. It's a long story.
I'm mailing you cans of corn and that's final.
I think I fucked up my elbow when I tried to fight off the paramedics.
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
Well, we went shopping. He bought me starbucks and ate me out in the change room at target. If that isnt the best post covid first date, I don't know what is
Randomize
