Do you think he likes his girlfriend's moustache?
She made fun of how I walked so I announced to her boyfriend that I have cum on her face before.
Next year we will be 30 and no more shots during the week.
hes the hot one from work who thought i was dead after my party
Apparently you can coat check a keg.
I drove your lawn mower home. Hope you don't need it tonight. I'll bring it over tomorrow.
I hooked up with a 20 year old last night. I feel like a hocus pocus witch that sucked life from a child.
tonight were gonna drink champagne and watch girls put themselves in awkward position
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
I realized I used a copy of a biography of JFK as pillow last night...
Happy Fourth.
Her text was so long it had an arrow to expand it. You know it's bad when even your iPhone can't handle her
No it's like. I don't respect you. And I think you're a terrible person but. I still wanna bone it out.
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
the person she was housesitting for had a christmas card from charlie sheen on the fridge so we fucked on the couch and just slept in the bed
Randomize
