Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice.
If I don't come back from Italy with aids I did somethign wrong
He insisted on us having sex while watching the biggest loser and asked me if I could "resist the temptation".
Can I sell my birth control in a yard sale?
Listen, you need to start thinking with your vagina and not with your heart... That emotional shit is for your 30s.
I came in your room, you looked at me and said "I fucked up" and then some kid showed up and took you to the hospital
I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
I think I shall call his penis Gatsby. We talk about it all the time, but I never see it.
I woke up to see that I had ripped my boxers into a loin cloth because we were watching last of the mohicans
Lol what? Monday night impromptu acid drop was the alternative.
Gave up on finding an ashtray.... just started flicking it in my purse.
No it was fine, I've just never seen that many people eat dog food
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
its the pipe that keeps on giving. Just when I think it's done, I scrape just enough. It's a st. Patrick's day miracle!
I just spent 30 minutes plucking my 2 month grown out pubes with tweezers so I’m hope your night is going better than mine
Randomize