Girl in my class with fire painted on her face. I. need. that. weed.
I love memorial day. It's drinking in the name of patriotism. God Bless America
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
I can't even go pee because I'm making sure he doesn't run off somewhere naked.
yeah, i'm not. but i'm ready for free bjs. it's just hard to find women who will give me a beej while i'm sobbing uncontrollably
Standing here wondering if its a good idea to cook pork chops in the toaster or not.
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
I'm the kind of girl who misses her mouth when trying to eat, do you honestly think I'm coordinated enough to wear heels during sex?
I wore sunglasses to take a shower. I might be hungover.
THERE IS A BABY THAT ISN'T MINE THAT'S GOING TO HEAR ME BEING SEXED!
I knew it was all downhill from there when the straight vodka I was drinking tasted like water.
he was the first penis i touched… i have to go to his shitty bands first gig, i mean come on now
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
Is this making any sense, because I’m puking and trying to be Philosophical right now
I shit myself and fell down the stairs and I’m still finding shit In those pants.
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