I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
Only a mothe r could love this liver
Springtime is officially here. I just used pool water to fill up the bong
I just found out me and my parents buy from the same drug dealer.
you should get a family discount.
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
Just remembered I hit myself in the face with a bottle then did the nose test and decided I was still good. Don't think anyone noticed.
We are not turning the camelbak into a beer bong
I would have screamed and cried and bled and shit and then died. Fuck that guy.
Who the fuck did i sell my right shoe to last night i need to get that back im not walking with one shoe on
Debating whether the Plan B I had this morning would go under breakfast or lunch in my food log.
why is there blood on my car? and are we still friends?
This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you
Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause
That's the 3rd time I've gone home with her and she passed out on me. I poured 6 boxes of cereal on her and left
Two of my roommates are waxing their vaginas in the living room. Can I come smoke?
He drank an entire six pack, past out on the guest bed, woke up around 4AM, lifted & dropped my leg, then peed on the corner of the bed. When I told him where he was pissing he said "it's all the same babe."
Randomize
