i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
i met a boy and i'm in lovvvvveeeeeeee and we're going to vegas and getting marrrrrriiiieeeeedddddd!
let's be honest with each other here, that's about the worst idea you've ever had. you need to walk this one off.
A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
woke up naked, spooning with wine bottle.. and my video chat was still open. fuck, not again.
Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
And then like 10 minutes later they were taking a bath together. HOW DOES HE DO IT.
I just walked by a party bus on my way to study. God hates me.
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
I came so hard my entire leg seized. Her blowjob gave me a Charlie horse.
Just ate 2 pieces of pizza in the shower.. New low or fuckin brilliant??
Just discovered I was so fucked up last night I called in sick to work... TWICE
Naw dude theres seriously a lobster in my sock drawer. Why?
There. There is gum on my butt cheek IT IS NOT MINE
Randomize
