So drunk its hurt
I thought if I stared at him long enough he'd walk me to my car. but he didn't. he dddidn't. i rreally thought i had those powers.
Desperate + desperate does not equal a fun night.
The paper boy just woke me up in the front yard again.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i say over christmas we have a beer pong competition with the cousins and see who really has the best genes in the family.
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
The only comparison I have for the iPhone is that it's like youre constantly getting a blow job
Not even desperate vagina wants small cock.
Glad to hear you raised your standards
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
corona bottle fell out of my backpack and broke in the middle of my physics midterm. yay me.
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
I wouldn't even cut tickets or put ppl in jail I'd just hand out punches to the mouth and Liam Neeson throat chops
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
I still don't know his name but his ass is spectacular. Like he should never wear pants.
He left a full handprint on my ass. He called it a "five-star review."
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