you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
I almost punched the night nurse in her face. I woke up and she was standing over me.
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
He told me he wanted to sleep but I touched his penis and listened to his heart beat start racing. I knew sleeping was bullshit.
Use your nursing skills for good, not evil.
We get an extra hour of sleep. That means we can take an extra shot tonight. Sound logic. Thank you daylight savings.
Ohh man. That was a snatch-waxer with a score to settle.
It's not ok to announce to a group of people playing beer pong that a girl put her finger in your butt last night. I now know this
I actually had to tell him that sex doesn't replace my Tupperware. Our relationship has reached a weird level.
Kinda hard to look your partner in the face the day after a rousing game of How Many Ways Can I Capture Your Penis.
I have never lost more friends than while playing Uno drunk.
I'm going to get drunk, come back, call my grandma, and eat all those scrambled eggs.
Ive seen a birth plenty of times, pretty awesome like a bear trying to climb out of a volkswagon.
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
Randomize
