I finally had kitchen counter sex! i was so excited
Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
This unplanned pregnancy thing is really taking all the fun out of football season.
remember the good old days of high school when a half gal would last for more than a nite
I think mounting someone proves who's house this is
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
fat people need to stop using the handicapped bathroom stall so I can have sex in it. it's common logic
Climbing out Mr. Friday night's bathroom window. He thinks I'm puking. Be on state st. with the getaway car and if you could bring me a shirt and some advil that'd be dandy.
So proud. See you in five. I've got coffee.
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
He's pretty cool once you ignore the fact that he's trying to get into your pants
Every time you talk about your facial hair I immedately get horny
Just responding to the most professional request I've ever gotten to get shitfaced.
Anal on new furniture sounds like a quickest way to violate a warranty
he was really really nice, and I did coke off of his dong that night too
Randomize
