just watched a girl laugh at her own fingers... it's not even noon...
I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
she screamed "my eye!" and it brought me a surge of bad memories. except she was yelling about a lemon.
God damn him and his understanding ways and little hip muscle things.
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
We're in the emergency room. He concussed himself trying to pop all the bubbles on my "one bubble a day" wall calender with his face.
You went down on Rachel in front me last night. Worst. Brother. Ever.
Another memory: We offered for a stranger to live in our house under the condition that he took the garbage out because it's a 'blue' job.
We are the best.
Ps. We need to take the garbage out.
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
But he was still all, "YOU TEXTED TONY WHILE YOU WERE GETTING FUCKED?!" Like THAT was the weird part.
is it bad that I see hot guys I wanna sleep with as challenges instead of actual people?
yes. but it works for you
My house exploded and with it all my pot went up in smoke.
Randomize
