Any day that starts with a call from my ex-bf... crying... is a good day.
Is there a nice way of saying 'touch my penis or i dont really wanna hangout"?
There's a 24 hour period after giving head where you can't eat penis shaped food without me laughing at you
Because it is about to snow, I sent him for Diet Coke and cigarettes. It's the gay version of milk and bread.
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
I wasn't sure how he was going to followup "so,i shot myself.." i guess "w a nail gun" is the best choice out of what I expected
you texted me "dude im face"
it sounded so right at the time
it's my birthday, i should be around people i want to fuck
Hot Damn Cinnamon Schnapps make me feel like the sun is punching me in the face and a bear is sleeping inside me.
He carried around a bottle of jäger the whole night and when everyone thought the cops came, he started doing push ups in the middle of the floor cause he said it calmed him down.
How do I carry myself in a way that says "I swallow"?
walked into my roommates bathroom to her throwing up a quesadilla while singing come on skinny taco
Yeah. I'm so over work, that I'm not even satisfied pretending to work anymore. I just flat out want to go home. Fuck this job
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
I wish u could call a dildo. Like you do a missing cell phone.
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