my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.
fyi, she knows we call her the sperm bank. watch your back.
Houston, we have a squirter
We were all definitely blackout with drunk goggles on, even though you and Amanda were the only ones dressed up as it.
I'm convinced that college is the only place where one can have an existential crisis over what sweatpants to wear
Looks like a took a video of myself beating off and passed out last night. I'm classy.
Dude. Cvs sells sex toys. And my discount works on them. Game on.
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
I deleted all traces of him from my phone
even the dick picks he sent you?
no are you nuts? saved that shit to my camera roll
Listening to sad Lana Del Rey songs together is an integral part of the lesbian bonding process
Oh god theyre drunkenly throwing knifes now, definitely the best movie I've worked on
I am mentally ready for anal.
Drunk sex on a hardwood floor is never ever a good idea. Lesson learned.
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
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