Now hope fervently that she'll do it quick and cheap, just the way i like it
i was rollin on her like bob the builder
We should steal a little kid and go to Chucke Cheese
i do not condone bathtub ky wrestling
i have a new found respect for you. the amount of people you must have cockblocked last night is amazing
The only way I could have failed my exam worse is if there would have been a drug test portion
How is it that you get into at least one taco related fight a year?
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
Dude. Cvs sells sex toys. And my discount works on them. Game on.
This is my punishment for trynna have a festive time with a stranger. I always forget you can't get weird with one night stands
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
in a meeting in my bathtub while predrinkin for tonight. technology.
THIS IS AN AMERICAN HORROR STORY I CAN'T FIND MY VIBRATOR ANYWHERE WHICH MEANS I LOST IT WHEN I MOVED WHICH MEANS MY POOR VIBRATOR IS OUT THERE IN THE WORLD ALL ALONE RIGHT NOW WHAT AM I GOING TO DO
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
Randomize
