I didn't realize he wasn't circumcised... it looked like the Unibomber...
Dude idk, apparently telling two drunk chicks 'that's whats up' after watching them lick eachother's face wasn't the compliment they were looking for. I mean I was fucking hammered.
Wow.
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
yeah that always happens. i'm like the where's waldo of parties. i never even know where the fuck i'm at.
I don't think anyone could emotionally handle a numb vagina.
Is it really bad that my last patient offered to fuck my brains out if I gave her IV morphine...and I gave her my phone number and told her when my shift is over?
Was he good-huge or like "what the fuck do i do with this"-huge
thank you for being a reason not to completely check out of my life and start sleeping all day, crying all night, and living off vodka acquired through credit card debt
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
My roommate just threatened to kill me with my own pan. Can I ever get away from the crazies?!
PokemonGo as navigation to get some at 5:13 AM. Life choices, yo.
Last thing I remember I was riding on a picnic table being hauled around by a lawn mower with an empty case of bud light on my head...
I remember is someone saying "I smell weed" and then having a room full of sober high school kids look at me.
Hey Girl, we got home safe!
I know, I drove you
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