I'm half single.
Please tell me it's the bottom half.
I don't think I can get bothered with getting laid tonight
I just dry heaved the smell of jagerbombs....which proceeded to make me hurl for real.
Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
I spent all day at the mall with her, then she made me actually watch a walk to remember then decided to tell me she was on her period. This one is either really crafty or I am really desperate.
Currently shopping online for cardboard cutouts of various horror characters. That should teach me roommates to stop taking acid on Tuesdays.
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
Did I come home in a police car last night? id come downstairs to ask you but i dont think my legs work anymore
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
I'm glad you got documented proof of my stupidity with a head full of nitrous
Hahaha and I'm glad you are doing whip its at a childrens basketball game
Sustenance and doggy style.. the only two things I need
You really need to stop getting injured so often it's really starting to negatively impact my sex life. Oh and get well soon. . . no seriously though hurry the fuck up.
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
Randomize
