Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
Just witnessed a fat girl fall off the treadmill, pop a medicine ball, and drink coke out of a water bottle all in one workout.
If there was a creeper hall of fame you and me would be the first two inductees
i think he just broke into a bike shop his last text said something about hiding in some tree
And we won't even have to pay the tab if we die AT the bar. So..win win.
Operation "Inform her family she stars in a sadistic lesbian porn film" is in full effect. She picked the wrong guy to cheat on.
Let the vodka take you where it will. Like Pocahontas, but wasted
Because Kyle had a tattoo kit at his house and I wanted one and all he could draw was a mustache or a stickman on fire
Too many penises have met your hands. Stop or die.
Man...I want to get monumentally fucked tonight.
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
Woke up in a house I don't know, with someone else's pants on, and wolverine hair, to my girlfriend yelling on the phone about the 4 girls I made out with last
Why didn't we pregame for this?
Because it's breakfast!?!
Randomize
