He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
just used a caramelizing gun to spark a bowl, i don't think today could get much better than this.
Either she got face surgery at midnight, or i need to stop drinking...
there were no ball for pong so he bought cat toys..... they had bells in them
i could totally date him if i was just drunk the whole relationship
You know me. Don't need roses, just dick and food.
They got a 10 foot tall beach ball from the roof of a McDonalds. Get the fuck over here.
Apparently it is frowned upon to ask the bouncer to stop pointing his flashlight in your face and step back so you can puke....and then do it
So I bring Danny back to the apartment for the first time and my roommate is curled up in the beanbag in the middle of the floor, wearing nothing but her uggs, high out of her mind and watching Harry potter... She offered us kettle corn.
He asked if he could come over tomorrow....
you strike me as the kind of person who when they spill something on their lap they take off their pants and eat it anyways. right off the crotch seam.
I know we said we never would. But try fucking a fat guy. He put in so much more effort and then made me waffles.
Wake your sexy ass up. It's donut time.
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
And as the acid sets in, he looks back at the shallow form he used to call his and whispers "3 pee pees strong"
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