Running into every girl no one would hook up with here at rick's. Typical.
Just joined the godiva rewards club. Who's the fat friend now.
Watching marley and me... this girls got me whipped man
please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
She was about to go down when you guys iced me. Thanks bro
I just peed next to my dog in the yard. Unparalleled forms of bonding going on over here.
How was your weekend?
The sex was so good. It hurts to exist.
Get your penis over here NOW. emergency
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
The fact our science teacher from high school was buying us drinks and hitting on me doesn't matter.
Are these your boobs on my camera?
Going to the eye doctors drunk makes you feel like your doing a sobriety test! They have to know..
Randomize
