did you know you can prarie-dog a fart??
I have decided that a Nickelback cover band would be the pinnacle of loserdom.
I just fucked 3 marines at the same time...how did you celebrate veterans day?
drunk...on the white house tour...security is staring. this will not end well.
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
I feel like a blind man at a water park. Every step has the potential to be either fatal or lead to accidental, but totally enjoyable, sex.
I feel like my chances would have been better if I hadn't told her "I need to fuck you before you leave."
So it's always a good weekend when you don't get any sleep, try opening a bottle of wine on rocks, and end up needing a tetanus booster for our stupidity... Same thing next weekend?
Yeah but I get laid and I know. He drank toilet water last night and he doesn't know about that either. Still makes me happy though.
I was like wtf you can warn a girl like hey I have a huge dick and I fuck for hours
Someone google feeding your vagina Advil and Neosporin
I put ketchup in a girls hair last night. I need a sorry balloon
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
I don't want to just break his heart, I want to dip it in liquid nitrogen and then smash it until it's powder and snort the powder
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
Randomize
