omg so im topless lying on my bed and i forgot my nail clippers are on my bed and i just leaned forward and the nail clipper closed. on my nipple. ouch
He just did a 33 second keg stand with a fractured leg, busted chin and chipped teeth from running into a parked car after winning a race.
Just sold this kid "Magic Furry Apples". He is way to high to figure out they are just peaches.
At least he's a nutritious stoner...
I've had more sex in the two weeks since we broke up than I ever had in any two weeks we were together.
Either call me back or tell me you're in jail. For fucks sake. If this is a cop, just help out. national league.
Just found my bra in a bag of chips on the kayak floating about the pond. Sure sign of a good night
Good thing I took the morning after pill cuz I pretty much had packaged seamen in me like I was a squirrel saving it for later or something
I'm at the bar alone. Is this how you feel?
If Dave says he's going to have sex with her, he's going to fuck her retarded and turn her crazy. So run.
I'm sorry, but the "Hobbit Slam" has to be a sex move.
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
I COULD BREAK CONCRETE WITH MY FOOTBALL ERECTION.
Plus i lost a button on my shirt and we got free drinks all night. Sorry I'm not sorry.
& I came downstairs to find my whole family discussing the fact that I have a vibrator, which my mom found accidentally....
I hate when pretentious people talk bad ab corn dogs
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