I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
Doing lines of cocaine in the bathroom and the word 'better' do not belong in the same sentence.
i saw the poster for your lost tequila... what a shame
I figured out why her friends always say g is for god when she leaves with someone. She wears a double g cup bra
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
On a scale from 1 to the worst weekend of my life, that was an 11. I can see again, though.
I honestly feel really bad for any girl with a period that lasts more than a day
Everything about that text makes me want to throttle you and cry
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
Literally, and I mean LITERALLY as in "not to be confused with a casual hyperbole", LITERALLY the day we broke up she slept with 3 different guys that night.
1) It's nice to see that the whole "English Major" thing is upping the quality of your rants 2) Have you considered that your dick was the cork holding her sluttiness in?
Who says no to sex and donuts?!
Had a dream we were competing for tomatos.
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
Randomize
