Took his v-card last night. Yet another experience I didn't expect to have in my thirties.
i just opened up my bathroom cabinet to get deodorant and found 4 bottles of natty. Its like the world wants me to miss this interview
know what the best part about malls are? standing on the upper level and boob gazing
You know when you can feel the alcohol in your toes? That's a great feeling.
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
I'm on my fifth cocktail in twenty minutes. I don't think I will end this on two legs.
Im playing lifeguard in my own bathroom. How's ur night?
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
Thanks for the Beyonce article. In other news, I just passed a man with the state of Florida tattooed on his face.
Yeah, I've hit on priests at bars, too. Such a shame, there are a lot of hot men out there who've devoted themselves and their glorious genitalia to the Lord -_-
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
I'm going to need to invest in some knee pads if I keep having nights like tonight
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
And by "I love him" I mean "I want his tongue down my throat.
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